Continuing To Improve!

I can’t believe how much better I feel when I’m not either listening to and then recovering from Cat’s negative bullshit OR avoiding Cat and hunkering down until she’s left for work again!

OH MY GAWD!

I can’t allow her childish drama crap to hit me like it does. I’m taking ALL the supplements and doing ALL the therapies to address my own side of things (PTSD, etc.) But Cat can’t keep thinking that she’s allowed to dump all over people like she does.

My one fear is that she’ll use the autism diagnosis as an excuse NOT to change! That’s not what I intend! She needs to get support and find ways to cope better so she does NOT continue the bad behavior. And it IS bad behavior. That’s not in doubt at all.

We did talk more in depth last weekend after 3 blessed weeks without talking much. I was actually shroom-tripping but it did the catharsis thing where all I did was get angry/affronted, and so I was in the mood to talk when she returned home on Friday. And we hashed out some shit, but she still has this weird idea that she should be allowed to “be herself” even when it fucks over other people, and I’m sorry, but NO.

And she was asking me questions about getting more money to be independent (and away from her) and I don’t think she realizes I don’t make enough to live on my own even WITH Disability! Let alone with some land, privacy, space to host pagan students and friends! Independence is not the most important thing to me– space, land, nature, OPTIONS are what matter the most to me! I’m used to negotiating (and mostly losing) when it comes to power issues. I’d rather just have more power and make her stop being such a bitch than move out.

I did get her to admit that she wants to stay in Heron Hold, and she wants me to stay with her. That’s the most important thing. And IF she wants do that, then she has to stop being such a bitch. Which means mood meds, therapy, etc. She’s not bad when she’s treating herself properly. I’m just sick of her going OFF her meds and turning into a monumental cunt.

She hasn’t been a cunt for nearly 4 weeks now, and I’m very much enjoying that! My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time. I barely smoke cannabis anymore. I can actually enjoy myself. I’m making plans with enthusiasm again. Cat really pulled me DOWN for so fucking long and I can’t let her anymore. She’s gonna have to grow up! Apparently, despite protests to the contrary, she’s figuring that out. She’s in distress having to be so careful, but after all the stress she’s put onto me, I’m not having a lot of sympathy for her. She can’t just vomit her shit all over me? OH NOES!

I’m starting to look up and sniff the air again like a person who isn’t scared all the time. And all she had to do was STOP BEING BITCHY!

And all I had to do was put my foot down. Lesson learned. Ultimatums are a last resort, but they DO work when I’m serious. Good to know.