My Personal Reaction To A Medium's Point of View

I’ve been watching “The Haunting Of…” on Hulu, and it’s about a medium, Kim Russo, who goes to places where celebrities have had ghost encounters and joins the celebrities and feels out what the deal was with the ghost. It’s actually pretty good!

Now, I don’t know if she’s the real deal, or if she’s a con with a team who looks up information on the celebrities and the locations and uses that during her walk-thru to seem like she’s connected. I know that’s a thing that really happens, so who can say?

But– if she really talks to spirits from the Other Side, both the trapped ghosts and those who have passed on, then she’s brought up some interesting things…

Like she’s said that spirits who have passed on keep track of those of us down here alive in the trenches, and they know what we’re basically thinking and feeling. And I wonder about that if it’s true.

Does that mean my father knows he screwed up royally with me, and that he understands I do not want to see him for a long while after I first pass over? Because that’s the truth. I figure once I’ve had a chance to breathe and divest myself of all the bitterness and pain from living, then I can see him and we’ll go over things. But I know that to begin with, I don’t want to see him or deal with him. I’m still feeling very much like I don’t want to be forced to face my bully. I don’t want to feel forced to forgive or act like it’s “all over.” It’s not how I really feel.

But honestly? I’ll get over my shit with him faster than with my mother. Right now, I fucking hate her. She feels like a foreign substance to me, one that causes frustration. She’s so awful, and she will never acknowledge the role she ever plays. It’s never her fault. She acts like she’s above it all, but the truth is that she’s at the bottom of the cesspit. The best I can say for her is that I know she wishes she loved me. She knows what’s right. She just doesn’t because of her own fucked up issues. And I’m done with her emotionally. I was reluctant to be born to her as her child, but Erica talked me into it, and I think it was ultimately a mistake. I feel like most of my life here was a mistake.

Fatigue and PTSD robbed me of the ability to rise up to answer anything. I’m too fucking “wired and tired” to be effective. I’m just enjoying the toys and pretending things. I live to pretend. I have few other pleasures, honestly. Cat keeps reminding me of how I ruined her life and even my tribe, who tries to love me, suspects me of being “too bitchy.” My family are all in very poor health, and none of them has apologized for casting me out on my mother’s lies.

I’m really struggling these days. I’m finally starting to have breaks from the frenetic ongoing fear, but I’m feeling very isolated from any source of love. I pretend I get it to comfort myself. I’m definitely feeling the blues these days. It hasn’t gotten really bad, but it’s not great.

If I don’t improve by my next doctor’s appointment in May, I’ll get a prescription for depression maybe.

Anyways, point is– if it’s true that spirits that have passed on pay attention– do they know how I am? Do they care? I don’t know if I find the notion creepy, comforting, or annoying! What I DO know is that I need help and I never ask for it because I hate thinking maybe I’ll be turned down. Can I ask spirits for help? Are they allowed to help? I don’t know…