Unhappy Childhood Inventory

I’m completing an exercise about unhappy childhoods.

1. Constant Need for Validation

Studies have proven that too little validation can create a strong need for external validation in your adulthood. This often manifests as anxiety, seeking words of reassurance and approval from friends and romantic partners, and feelings of inadequacy.

I’m definitely anxious, and wish for reassurance and approval… but the kicker is that I don’t ask for it much. I don’t expect it, and after spending much of my adulthood chasing the wrong people, I’ve learned a harsh lesson. Once cruel or selfish people realize you’re needy in that way, they take advantage. So I keep my desires for signs of approval to myself. I just quietly prefer my own company or my pretend people who like me.

2. Fear of Abandonment

Having a fear of abandonment as an adult almost always stems from childhood experiences of abandonment or neglect. This creates a deep-rooted fear that our close ones will leave us in some way, even if it logically seems unlikely.

Ironically, my issue is people sticking around when I wish they’d LEAVE!! I mean, sure– I’m dependent due to my illness, so I worry about being able to take care of myself, but I don’t seem to have this fear that my ex-husband had. However, I have a difficult time leaving a bad situation.

3. Perfectionism

NOPE! I did until my illness in my teens made it impossible and I had to let go of that need or kill myself trying.

4. Unstable emotions or Neuroticism

Unstable childhood homes or environments can manifest as emotional instability when we grow up. This often looks like extreme mood swings, difficulty coping with stress, and high levels of neuroticism.

I look good around others for things like work or meetings. I come off as one of the most stable and secure people! But in my private life, it’s more obvious– I spend most of my time alone and prefer it. I can sink into periods where I get nothing done (like NOW!) I loathe people who scream, yell, pout, and otherwise act childish (like my father, my ex, or Cat) so I avoid behaving that way. But inside…? Privately I can be a mess.

5. Difficulty expressing emotions

When healthy expressions of emotion are punished or discouraged in childhood, it can be very difficult to begin opening up to others fully in adulthood. We may become avoidant as a result, bottling things up instead of confiding in a friend or family member.

I’m really good at expressing myself in words, but when it comes to demonstrating my emotions or being warm towards others, I’m definitely more “bottled up”. I’m avoidant, not out of fear, but just because I prefer it when I have control over the situation. I like socializing with a purpose– peer therapy, problem solving sessions, teaching specific lessons, etc. Spontaneous hangouts I can act ‘correctly’, but I just want to leave because I feel like I’m wasting my time and I’d rather go back to my pretend worlds.

6. Hyper-vigilance

Kids who grew up in dangerous or unstable environments are more likely to be hyper-vigilant to any signs of danger, as they learned this behavior had a greater chance of keeping them safe. While this can help us cope with unhappy childhoods, it can cause anxiety, sleep issues, and control problems in adulthood.

Medications like Lyrica really help on this front, and it’s easier to be out in public or attend to things without freaking out. Still, I never feel ‘okay’ or ‘safe’ out in public. Never. And this was well-established before people started public mass shootings! It’s exhausting quite frankly, and I don’t exactly have a ton of extra energy. If I could drive, I’d be going to nature parks to hike (with pepper spray) more than to places where one shops. I don’t like shopping– never have! It’s easier to know if there’s danger when you don’t have to track multiple people all moving around! Also, in quiet places with few people, I can just walk and imagine I’m in one of my own worlds more easily. It’s one of my favorite things to do!

7. Low Self-Esteem

Negative childhood messages about our worth and capability can be highly damaging to our self-esteem. This often carries over to adulthood, where we may find issues with our relationships and careers as a result of feeling less than others.

Interestingly, I don’t think I’m less than others. I just don’t think very many (if any) people recognize my worth, and I’ve pretty much given up proving otherwise. It’s a waste of time and energy that I don’t have! But that does mean that I expect to be taken for granted or disliked or often misunderstood, because that has been the theme of my entire existence. Poor, sick people with genius I.Q.s don’t “fit” anywhere in this world.

8. Distrust of Intuition

Unfortunately, many of us are familiar with the childhood experience of being told that our thoughts and feelings about things are wrong. As adults, this can lead us to distrust our own intuition, which could cause us to struggle with decision-making and potentially land us in dangerous situations.

I trust myself about negative situations sometimes. I don’t question my ability to tell physically dangerous situations apart from others. No… it’s the more subtle emotional abusers who get under my radar– probably because I wasn’t physically abused, but I WAS psychologically mind-fucked and terrorized by turns as a child. I go back and forth, and I either am too harsh on my opinions, or not nearly harsh enough. I used to be too okay with shit, now I’m probably too NOT okay with shit. But that’s a part of the very long learning curve adult children of abuse are on if they TRY to be better.

9. Difficulty Being Vulnerable

It’s hard to open up if your vulnerabilities and emotions were mocked or dismissed as a child. People with these childhood experiences are more likely to hide their emotions and put up barriers to protect themselves against potential harm.

And my vulnerabilities were mocked and dismissed! And so, yeah, I DO hide my softer side from others (including warmth!) I listened to a audio message I gave in response to someone dealing with the aftermath of a date-rape, and I sounded so… business-like! It was awful to realize that I couldn’t adequately convey sympathy. I FELT it, but I couldn’t express it! So I seem harsh and mean to people, or they fear I’m secretly mean. And then I’m back to preferring to be alone again.

10. Challenges Expressing Anger

Anger is a healthy emotion that can tell us when a boundary has been violated. But unfortunately, many parents end up punishing their children for healthy expressions of anger. In adulthood, this can cause us to bottle up our anger until it explodes or manifests in other toxic behaviors.

I don’t want to be a monster like my father, or an asshole like my ex. I hate those men. I hate everyone who rages like that. I despise them. I look DOWN on people who can’t control their anger. I understand flipping out on abusers– that’s cool. But flipping out over not getting your way? No. Flipping out to hurt others who can’t stop you? Fuck no! So I won’t let myself cross that line easily. Cat has managed to provoke me to that point, but I don’t like being forced to cross it, and I resent it when she pushes and then seems happier with me after I’ve flipped out. I’m in touch with my anger, as my many writings on this blog show. But I don’t need to push it on others to violate their space the way others did that to me. I’m better than that and proud of it! Unfortunately, sometimes that means I don’t express it verbally when it’s warranted. I don’t know where “the line” is…

11. Struggle to Accept Compliments

It can be hard for those of us who were not sufficiently praised or conditioned to reject praise to accept compliments as adults. This issue can also stem from feelings of unworthiness or self-hatred rooted in negative childhood experiences.

This USED to be true for me. For nearly three decades now I’m able to give a sincere “Thank you!” in response. ONE issue has been fixed at least!

12. Difficulty Setting Boundaries

People who have had adverse childhood experiences are more likely to struggle with setting adequate boundaries. This often manifests as putting other people’s needs before your own, sacrificing your happiness in the process. It’s important to set healthy boundaries to take care of yourself and your needs.

This is the number one issue I have now. I’ve been letting Cat walk all over me, and in the last year I’m finally starting to establish some clear rules for what is okay and not okay with me. Because I feel like I don’t make enough money and I’m dependent upon others, it’s hard for me to push back. I pushed back on Gerick and he left me after 25 years together! I expect to have to put up with shit when I have no easy way out, but I’m trying to make at least some boundaries to stay sane. If a person is driving me to think about killing myself–? There’s a place where a boundary is worth risking homelessness. That’s pretty much where I’m at with my “sponsor” who supports me. Otherwise-? I’m getting better at saying ‘no’ to people or telling them when they’ve hurt my feelings or crossed a line. If I don’t depend upon you to live, I can push back– so I’m trying to.

13. Fear of Rejection

Another trait common is a fear of rejection. This can come from a learned sense that we’re not good enough or painful experiences of rejection or abandonment in childhood. Building self-confidence and intentionally facing situations involving potential rejection are great ways to combat this fear.

I’m doing that right now! Setting boundaries despite a fear of abandonment (homelessness for me) or rejection. I’m not panicking like I used to anymore. This is where something shifted majorly last fall. Partly though, it’s because I SO expect it that it neither shocks me nor disappoints me much when people seem to inevitably decide I’m not what they want. I was barely sad, and more than a little relieved, when Amara seemed to have given up on me.

14. Tendency to Overthink or Spiral

Overthinking is often rooted in traumatic childhood events that taught us to anticipate negative experiences. This habit commonly creates other issues such as increased anxiety, stress, insomnia, and difficulties with decision-making. Meditation, mindfulness, and therapy can all be effective solutions to overthinking.

Once again, I’m working on it. I’ve learned though, that even if I don’t think about things consciously, they can still percolate unconsciously where I have no control, and I still get the anxiety, lack of sleep, etc. The only thing that helps THAT … is drugs. I understand why they’re so popular.

15. Difficulty Forgiving One’s Self

People with adverse childhood experiences are more likely to struggle with forgiving themselves for perceived mistakes and shortcomings. If you’re grappling with this issue, perhaps you were scapegoated as a child or taught that you were incapable of doing things right.

I was scapegoated, and I did struggle with this for quite a while! But, therapy and a chronic illness smacked me into shape on this front. Now, I worry that I forgive myself and makes excuses TOO easily– because I can’t get shit done anymore it seems like!

16. Subconscious Self-sabotage

Survivors of child abuse and those who developed PTSD in their childhoods are prone to issues with self-sabotage. This often stems from feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem that developed in unhealthy childhood environments.

THIS!! This is what I’m struggling with now. I make things so much harder to work on my book than I have to– and I know I’m doing it, so it’s not entirely subconscious. However, it is often beyond my conscious reach to fix. I’m very stuck and this is making me absolutely miserable. I know I AM fucking worthy, no matter what other people think, and yet I’m incapable of the rebellious spirit needed to push forward and go for it.

17. People-pleasing

Everyone likes people-pleasers, but their accommodating behavior often has dark roots. A fear of rejection or criticism originating in childhood can cause us to become overly attentive to the needs of others, often to our own detriment.

I don’t have the energy to do favors for other people very often. My chronic-illness makes such a personality trait impossible! However, I discount myself and allow others to run over me sometimes rather than displease them by getting overtly angry. Again, I’m working on this and improving.