* Cat's At It Again

She’s at it again…

I’m making this private because I don’t want the few people who read this to either laugh or think I’m being bitchy. I AM a little bitchy, but it’s totally warranted given Cat’s behavior. I have to disgorge this negativity to release it more easily.

Cat was working from home today, as she does every Wednesday. It saves on commuter costs and time, and she often uses it as a sort of “easy half day” of work. When things are slow, she just invests her time in learning new programming, and she’s paid to do so. She was working on Java Script and I guess she wasn’t very successful at some new aspect about it today or something.

She’s also stressed out about being too far in debt, thanks to her decision to demolish the derelict mobile home that was on the property. I advised her very strongly to hold off and pay the other debt (for the Leaf Guard system on the gutters) because I feared just such a scenario. She went against my advise and now she’s in deep shit. (I mean, she can afford to pay all the bills, but only just barely, and it’s freaking her out.) And she will periodically have anxiety attacks about it. It’s never as bad as a panic attack– but she does sometimes feel very overwhelmed.

Too, she’s coming back from under-dosing herself with mushrooms for her depression. As she gets back on track, she’s still more prone to both anxiety and deeply dark thoughts.

Finally, I’ve been more patient and sympathetic with her, and… all combined, she’s being more moody in the last couple of months. The only two that are new is the recovering from under-dosing and my own sympathy. Cat is basically manipulating me MORE to get increased reactions from me that she apparently craves– even my anger, which is really upsetting to me.

She wasn’t saying it to me directly yesterday, but rather by bitching and moaning in text messages from her attic office to me in my bedroom. She started calling herself “retarded and useless” and I told her she wasn’t allowed to insult herself to me. I won’t stand for anyone calling her such names, even her!! She responded by doubling down and calling herself “fat, ugly, and stupid”!!

At that point, I had to bitchily tell her that I wasn’t going to respond with anything except a stop sign icon when she insulted herself, referred to suicide, or said any other overly-negative irrational things. I told her she could tell me she felt bad, but she wasn’t allowed to gloomily predict the future and talk about giving up because she’s having a bad day. (And I mean, she falls apart over the most petty bullshit!! She’ll talk about suicide when she gets a flat tire on her her scooter. I’m not even kidding!)

I’ve already laid out a boundary about her talking about such things. I said we can schedule a time to discuss scary ideas in a SERIOUS way, like– what to do about bills being too high or whatever. However, I wasn’t going to engage in conversations where she says crazy negative things. I won’t agree with her while she’s spiraling, basically.

But I’ve been more stabilized in my mood and reactions, so I could “take it” a little when she complained sometimes. Unfortunately, that has proven to be a major mistake! Now she’s getting worse and worse. I am forced to re-establish and expand my boundaries with her.

The stop sign is now my way of saying “NO!” when she texts me overly negative stuff like that. I’m going to have to put up a hand and say the word, “Stop!” when she starts to engage in this behavior verbally. I can’t let her run over my feelings like that anymore!

I’ve explained in great detail to Cat that using hyperbole with me when I am dependent upon her triggers my CD-PTSD. I’ve been working diligently to quiet my overly-anxious system for years upon years, and– slowly over time with drugs and therapy I am getting better. However–! I still struggle with some things and I can’t just take and take and take exaggerated claims about “losing everything” or “giving up everything.”

I ended by reminding her that talking about her bad feelings is okay– it’s the crazy stuff ABOUT her feelings that isn’t, like casually mentioning suicide or that she was “giving up” or predicting a disastrous future that I wasn’t going to join in on. I told her I loved her and I was sorry she was feeling like this and that I wished there was more I could do to help. (I AM working on a plan to get my sister here part time and paying a little rent when she does! But I need other people to make it happen, and Reese has been sick for nearly a year now and it slowing my plans way down.)

I both got high AND drank several shots of whiskey last night to just… get my mind away from all that shit. And it worked, but I rarely do things like that. I drink maybe once a week–? A single shot of something OR a glass of wine. But it makes my pain worse, so I don’t indulge that much that often. I go weeks without drinking, and then I’ll get a little drunk, and then not drink again for a while. I think I’ve gotten high on pot and drank at the same time ONE other time in my entire life. But last night–? I was just done with my day almost violently.

Cat made me so angry!

I didn’t want to scream at her, but another part of me did, and I wonder if she wants me to because she seems to calm down when I yell at her. But I hate yelling at people. I hate being THAT person. I hate screamers, ergo– I don’t want to be one. I like being mellow and in control at all times if possible. I am already an intense emoter, so I’m very conscious of my own mentality and how easy it is for me to get overwhelmed and overreact. So I told her off via text, and then put my red light on and a sign on my door that says I’m overwhelmed and to leave me alone. And I’ll leave it there for a day, because it will take me about that long to calm down!

I know I need to remember to do the “once a month scary talk” thing– so she has a fair outlet to discuss worse case scenarios. But the rest of the time I HAVE to keep my boundary solid and walk away when she tries to get me riled up. I can’t function when she fucks me over like that. I don’t think she quite gets how awful I feel when she pushes that shit at me! Especially when she’s totally exaggerating for effect and won’t relent until I freak out with her! I can’t bear that shit. She has no fucking idea how emotionally violent that behavior is to me.