Jeff Bezos: "I Love the Coronavirus."

 “I Love the Coronavirus,” said Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the world, said in a conference call to Amazon’s Board of Directors on learning that his company’s market capitalization value had increased by $24 billion dollars since the federal and state governments began far-reaching lockdowns that have forced small business owners out of business, a move that has driven even Amazon haters into the claws of an avaricious man-child known for sobbing uncontrollably if his company’s stock dips too steeply for even a minute of a daily trading session.

A source familiar with the call claims Bezos chuckled and said, “I hope the COVID-19 lasts forever,” even though the virus has reportedly sickened over 1,200 Amazon employees, some of whom have died. “Profits are more important than people. We can always find more people,” Bezos added, further buttressing his callous attitude toward those he employs.

Amazon and Bezos have recently come under fire for mistreating employees who sharply criticized the company’s safety protocols amid the Coronavirus pandemic. On 26 March, Amazon fired Chris Smalls, a fulfillment center worker, claiming he violated safety and social distancing guidelines. The truth, however, is that Smalls was fired for calling attention to the lack of protective measures for workers, and because he illustrated that Amazon’s work environment made social distancing impossible.

More recently, Amazon terminated two user experience designers, Maren Costa and Emily Cunningham, for what it called repeated violations of internal policies, without specifying which ones. They made public statements questioning Amazon’s pandemic safety measures after 60 employees at a New York fulfillment center tested positive for COVID-19.

Bezos had a hand in those firings—and probably many more. A confidential source told Dodging Deception that Bezos instructed senior management and Amazon’s legal counsel to “smear” and “exact vengeance on” any employee critical of safety procedures who tries to besmirch Amazon’s reputation. Bezos’ edict is befitting Amazon’s long tradition of valuing profits over people.

“He [Bezos] sent a thank you letter to President Trump and to governors in at least 37 states, thanking them for closing small businesses. He has also confided in constituents that keeping local economies closed would help Amazon’s profits, and their pockets. He doesn’t want the pandemic to end because he is among few people in the world benefiting immensely from the outbreak,” said an amazon source under promise of anonymity for fear of professional retaliation.

Amazon’s PR spin machine tried to deflect criticism by saying the company had temporarily shuttered 10 fulfillment centers in response to coronavirus cases among its workforce; Amazon has fought to conceal the number of infected employees, and its brief closures were merely a token gesture to calm public concerns. Most fulfillment centers reopened after 24 hours, having received rudimentary cleanings. And Bezos protested those procedures, saying each lost hour cost Amazon $2.5 million.

In closing, Dodging Deception is currently investigating but cannot yet confirm reports of state and county officials in Florida, New York, Illinois, and Texas receiving Amazon kickbacks in exchange for encouraging citizens to shop online at Amazon for the duration of the coronavirus pandemic.